This gun show travels with you.
Good perspective from a reader here. I just thought I would share this note in its entirety:
I’ve been with my partner and Owner for 4 years. When we first started “playing” I had a safeword. I never used it, but I always knew I could. As we became closer, more intimately aware of ourselves, more in tune with each other and our power dynamic, the safeword didn’t hold as much power. At this point, I don’t exactly have a “safeword”. It took me a minute right now to remember what it was because I’m so unconnected to it at this point. Our power dynamic is intense and I live it every day — his ownership of me is thorough and his sadism is genuine. When he beats me, he makes it hurt. Of course I have a say, but His Word Rules. That’s the way we both want it.
And yet, even with all that control andwith no safeword….
A couple months ago I was very depressed and in the middle of a spanking I said, “I can’t do this right now..!!!” and he immediately stopped.
A month ago I said, “Wait, the cuffs are twisting my arm around and making my shoulder hurt, can you fix them?” and he did.
Last night he went to untie the blindfold and I whimpered and shook my head no and he left it on until I was ready for it to come off.
There are ways we’ve found to communicate that don’t have the power of a safeword. Verbal phrases, nonverbal cues, body language, a finely tuned awareness of what “normal” is for each of us and what it means when that “normal” isn’t the thing happening. Would I ever trust someone like this without that knowledge? No. Fucking. Way. It took us years to get to this point — and it wasn’t just him getting to know me. It was also me feeling confident and secure enough to say, “Wait, hold on, this isn’t working” in the middle of a scene. The trust had to go both ways.
This isn’t to say he listens to everything I said. Definitely not. I beg and scream and cry and sob and plead all the time, trying to squirm away from the cane or his teeth or his nails digging into my skin. There’s a difference, though, between wanting something to stop and needing something to stop. It took a lot of time for us to both understand exactly where that line is, and what it sounds/looks/feels like when it’s crossed — because the line moves every day. Sometimes I need 300 strokes of the cane, sometimes I can’t take his hand spanking my ass.
And if he hadn’t given me a safeword in the beginning, and had turned down my insistence on having one? If I had ever used it and he had ignored it? We wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t be waiting for him on my knees, not knowing what’s coming next but ready for whatever it is.
Safewords are important. They are vital. If someone tells you otherwise, they’re not looking out for you or your safety.